I heard we made out
So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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