The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
