before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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