I just got back to Nicks and I shoul dnot have drank this much when I have to work at 7AM!!!!!
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Randomize
