I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
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I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
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You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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