I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
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