I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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