i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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