Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
