god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
In case you're wondering what I'm doing, I'll be banging an 18 year old this weekend. Repeatedly.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
