Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
theres a canoe in our lawn. we dont own a canoe.
it was the only safe place
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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