i may or may not be watching the land before time
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
