im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Randomize
