I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
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