so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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