I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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