i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
unless you have a dick and you were thinking of chopping that off
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
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