I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
