I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
How drunk are you?
Completed.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
