I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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