sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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