I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I just gift wrapped bread.
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Randomize
