got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
He was super adorable, like I wanna pinch his cheeks while I fuck him...
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
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