it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
i dont believe you. i want proof. if you end up at a hospital send me a pic.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize