I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
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