I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Randomize
