he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
