I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
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I'm getting the lip of my vagina pierced & you expect ME to be the voice of reason?
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
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