I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
