remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
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