I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
