Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I don't deserve a penis
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
