My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
Randomize
