Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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