Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
I am in an eBay bidding war over a build a bear one direction tshirt, this is who you choose to bone
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
