Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
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