i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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