is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
