I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
He shit in a sock dude, you can't come back from that
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Randomize
