the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
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