he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
