Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
