An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
