I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.