I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
