did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
