I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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