I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize
