I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
tbh I think I just dated him for his dogs in the first place.
Quickly hiding the condom wrappers, ropes, and handcuffs right before the parents arrive to help with moving out? Priceless.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
