I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Thanks for bringing that stuff to help me feel better...you know, the water, the Gatorade, and the dick. You really are the best friend ever.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
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