If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I can never go back to Jacksonville. We think I may have punched a child in the face while on acid...
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
