Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
3 2 1 whiskey
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
Randomize
