how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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