The maid of honor just puked.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
