he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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