I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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