you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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