Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
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He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
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Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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