if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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