i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
