nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Randomize
