i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Randomize
