remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
